A Series CLOSE to Unfortunate Events
by Shoysrock
Summary: My first fanfic written 2005, actually. Enjoy a completely insane and zany parody of ASoUE as me and my siblings have an unfortunate adventure with Coot O. Lafo! *note: I was 13, my God!* slightly edited enough to make more readable and preserved


**A/N: It's been awhile since I'v'e posted a fanfic...mainly because my current writing project _Demon Siope _is NOT a fanfic, and the next one_ The Ribbon Lord _isn't either! **

**However, to appease my readers and my concern if my hand-written FIRST fanfic I EVER WROTE was to be destroyed, I have preserved it by typing it out, saving to floppy and now putting it on my dA and here at . **

**Please enjoy this fanfic, which was written when I was 13 years old. Zanyness, childishness, sarcasm and parody await you!**

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**A Series of CLOSE to Unfortunate Events**

The Washington Window

_Original hand written July 2005._

If you didn't know much about the Sewardelaire orphans, and you saw them sitting on wooden benches at Toledo Train Station, you might think they were bound to have an exciting adventure. After all, the had just got off the bus two hours ago, which took them to their new guardian Uncle Hed, and such situations would lead to thrillingly good times.

But, of course you're dead wrong. For although Vizabeth, Kueben, and Simily Sewardelaire would experience exciting and memorable times, they would not be happy exciting and memorable times…like a room full of snakes of poisonous varieties with no-one around. I am sorry to inform you that this story is an unhappy one and is full of woe, sadness and despair.

"Look what I got for you!" Mr. Poached said, ginning like he ate eggs for breakfast, as usual. Vizabeth took the package and looked glumly into it. Three, tiny ceramic eggs, covered with rubber paint. Now, if you didn't know them, they were allergic to that kind of pain. She quickly covered the package and put it away with a sad sigh.

"Now children, I need to go quickly leave now, for non-important tablecloth insurance businesses."

"You won't see our new guardian?" Kueben said sadly.

"No, I really need to go to work and twiddle my fingers and stare at the wall doing nothing. Goodbye children, he will pick you up any minute now." And as quick as he came, he left.

"Uhay?" Simily queeringly said, which meant 'huh' in Pig Latin.

"Well, we better wait here till mister Hed comes." Vizabeth sighed sadly.

"Ya know, this was like when we were in the care of Coot O. Lafo, when he was late meeting us, and he was covered with dirt and powder." Kueben said.

"Nday henway ehay alkedway, 100 ollerday illbays ereway allingfay utoay ffoay ishay lothingcay!" Simily explained, which was Pig Latin for 'and when he walked, 100 dollar bills were falling out of his clothing!'

"Well, these descriptions don't mean anything, and we should be on the lookout for our guardian." Vizabeth explained.

And so, for several minutes, they were silent, looking around for some person named Mr. Hed, oblivious to the mugging and armed robbery in the gift store behind them. When it was over, Kueben saw a man stand before them.

"Hi! I am Mr. Hed, you new guardian Sewardelaires! We are going to have a swell time in Washington DC! I there ya know, I work at the International greenhouse. We can see museums, hang around, and have lots and lots of fun! I have a gym at home for Vizabeth to practice her Karate! For Kueben, he will enjoy drawing my plant collection! And Simily will love scratching up my furniture. I don't mind at all! Come on! Lets have ice cream and have a happy dappy day at my…our, manor!"

And so the three children were stunned speechless and stared at the clean, excited business man. They all smiled for the first time in a long while. They thought all about the happy days in the home with Mr. Hed. At last, they thought, a wonderful life, free from Coot O. Lafo.

"Come on! Later I will give you candy! And a nice dinner of your favorite foods! And tomorrow we will have fun and go to an amusement park in Luxembourg!"

"Wow!" Kueben exclaimed.

"Groovy!" Vizabeth said loudly.

"Oolcay!" Simily said, which means 'cool!' in Pig Latin.

And so they went into his shiny blue limo.

"Now, we are meeting our new caretaker and babysitter Sir Througue at the ice cream parlor, who will keep you company on my work days, so be on your best manners! But still enjoy your ice cream!"

The siblings were happy to be having ice cream at last instead of goat curd yogurt at O. Lafo's house or scrambled eggs with eggs for breakfast at Mr. Poached's house and the egg quiche with chicken the night before. But thinking of food, Kueben thought up a very important point.

"Mr. Hed, how will you protect us from Coot O. Lafo?"

"Ah, good questions! I assure you he won't sneak in because I am protected by lasers, alarms and locks! I am perfectly aware of his normal eyebrows and his tattoo of a nose on his hand in plain sight. And my full beautiful name is B. Hed. Ed, and please dears call me Hed, munchkins! Lets not think of such terrible things now however and enjoy ourselves!"

"Unchkinmays?" Simily cried, which in Pig Latin means 'munchkins?'

Now the Sewardelaires did not like to be called particular names such as 'munchkins', but they didn't argue for they had just arrived at the large parlor of frozen dairy products.

"Ah kiddies, we're here to have a fantastic time stuffing our faces with frozen dairy products with sugar and flavor!"

The employees, however, had no intention of meaning what they said in the words printed everywhere in the spoons, aprons, cups, covers, labels, brands, chairs, napkins and company name 'Have a nice day.' But the delighted children didn't notice the smug and dirty expressions of the people dishing their ice cream.

As the children sat down in the comfy seats, and Vizabeth was trying to take a bite of brownie ice cream, and Kueben was trying to take a bite of French Vanilla, and Simily was trying to scratch up a pile of napkins as the door opened…there stood a tall, lean man, with a long haired wig and a pointed nose. His eyes were shining and had a toothy grin bursting with a sense of evil behind his smile. His hands were gloved with leather and he had a poor quality suit, all green and blue with an untidy bowtie.

"Hello there Mr. Hed." He sneered. "I am sorry I had to take the place of Mrs. Wimbledon, but she left for a bungee jumping trip in Guam. She likes leaving without telling anybody and empties her money account to me her dearest friend. Did I mention it is me, such a dear friend?"

"Oh that's alright! You will be taking care of these wonderful children while I am working! There are the Sewardelaires, the little kiddies! Their parents were killed by a tornado, and I adopted the sweets! This is Vizabeth, Kueben and Simily. You will also make sure Coot O. Lafo won't come and get them! I hope Mrs. Wimbledon told you about this dreadful person!"

"I assure you he won't snatch these poor, sweet children who have been through so much pain." He said hungrily, eyeing the staring siblings like a lion about to eat a juicy steak, smothered with sauce and rosemary.

"Hello Sewardebrats…I mean, Sewardelaires. I will have plenty of fun with you children." Coot O. Lafo, in his disguise, giggled.

The children were not interesting in ice cream at that moment, and had a feeling of sour milk and vinegar enter their livers. They knew they couldn't tell Mr. Hed that Sir Througue was actually Coot O. Lafo, mainly because Mr. Hed had a knack at not paying attention. And sadly, they had no way out of the situation. So, stomaching the unfortunate event and flexing their kidneys, they tried to eat their ice cream. Vizabeth shivered and had wide eyes. Kueben moved slowly with his head down, thinking on how he found them. And Simily just sat and whimpered. But Mr. Hed never noticed as he snarfed down his sundae, while Sir Througue enjoyed noticing them while leaving his peanut butter ice cream in the sun while pushing pins into a wax doll of Mr. Hed.

After awhile, Mr. Hed broke the silence while they were eating, saying "Wow! You are certainly enjoying your luscious ice cream so much I haven't heard a peep from you children! Now we'll all get you some nice clothing and toys! Isn't that nice?"

Silence.

"Well that is a wonderful proposition. Did I mention that I love your work on plant museum management? I think your work is fascinating!" Througue mentioned flatteringly.

"Wow! Thank you! Isn't Sir Througue splendid?"

Still more silence.

It is more unfortunate to tell you that Coot O. Lafo had decided to sit in between Vizabeth and Kueben, with Simily in his lap in the limo. This is very uncomfortable when a sinister villain is staring at you and grinning like a vicious cat, waiting to pounce.

And so it went on, Sit Througue watched every move they made as they looked for toys and clothing. Hed took no notice of O. Lafo's reason for staring at the children and following them down the aisle wherever they went until the left the department store with clothing and Oh-Yugi cards.

It was dinnertime when they entered the large mansion. Diamond chandeliers, velvet floors, and extravagant rooms of large dimensions, but not a peep was heard form the terrified siblings.

"well children, welcome to your new home! I hope you will enjoy it here with me and Sir Througue! Let's have dinner and it's time for a movie!" Hed sand loudly.

But the children hardly ate. O. Lafo decided to be at the back end of the table to survey his surroundings in the environment and saw gleefully how the children were taking the situation of terror. Vizabeth hardly ate her steak and friends, sitting still. Kueben pretended to eat, but had no heard in the taste of his macaroni. And Simily whimpered and shivered and noticed that O. Lafo hadn't touched his octopus and salami smothered with French dressing soup because he was busy sharpening his tiny pocket knife, which still had dried blood on it from a previous grisly encounter Simily would not dare think about. This went on during the movie no only because of O. Lafo but also the movie was about a person who stole fortunes from innocent children, which O. Lafo laughed when the movie villain caused the starring children to fall down traps and O. Lafo even cried when the villain got the bags of money from the bank at the end of the movie. This scared the siblings even more. When bedtime finally came, they noticed that O. Lafo was in the hallway watching their doors. The children were not going to sleep well.

The bedrooms were medium sized and were pleasant to look at. Vizabeth's room had a wide dressed and comfy orange and purple bed. Kueben's room was green themed, and had a bunk bed over a small art studio with pencils and paints. And Simily's had lots of blue furniture with a lacey blue canopy bed. But the Sewardelaires hadn't thought of the rooms as they into the bed and hid until morning, listening to the sounds of the wing and footsteps of Througue walking down the hallway eyeing the doors and trying to sound like walking-quietly-when-meaning-to-do-it-loud-on-purpose.

When morning same, the exhausted children walked downstairs to the dining room. They had gotten used by now to O. Lafo's presence and had just noticed how unbelievably, cleanly rich Mr. Hed was. The table was expertly carved from fine mahogany, the floor boards had gold edging, the doorways had carved arches with rubies and emeralds set into them, crystal chandeliers were above the table and fancy windows let in glowing light. Outside was a hedge mace and strange but beautiful flower gardens. The children were tired and hungry and only cared about the waffles with syrup they were eating, and Kueben noticed that Sir Througue came after them form the same hallway they went. Then Mr. Hed came from an office room.

"Well, well children, what a beautiful morning! Today we will spend the day relaxing in the garden, playing with toys, and playing with Sir Througue while I am gone to work!"

At this the children were saddened and Sir Througue was happy when Hed was leaving for work, for that would mean Sir Througue would watch them again to make things worse.

The Children left quickly to avoid the very, very evil nasty grin of a killer that would be left in the house with them. They congregated in Vizabeth's room.

"Well, any thoughts on how to get O. Lafo away form our not-so-grand-but-good-enough-fortune?" Vizabeth stated.

"Ellway, irstlyfay, owhay siay .LafoOay oinggay otay etgay uroay ortunefay?" Simily said which in Pig Latin means 'well, firstly, how is O. Lafo going to get out fortune?'

"Well, I don't know." Kueben said.

"Well, we better watch out for him. Anyway, he might be coming with us on our trip to Luxembourg, and he might snatch us for good when we are in another country."

"Well that's a good point!" Kueben stated.

"Well well well! We should stop thinking of such terrible things that won't happen tomorrow, because that dreadful O. Lafo person won't bother you on your trip I assure you!" Said the sneery voice the children knew. They turned around and saw O. Lafo in the doorway. Now, the children would tell that O. Lafo did that to try and fool the children, but they knew obviously that is was false. With that the children stare and asking, "How will that happen, Coot O. Lafo?"

"Well, by simply not having a vacation, and anyway, you better get used to my orders darlings, because I will inherit you sweets if an 'accident' occurs. And I am not coot O. Lafo, how absorbed!" With that he smiled and walked down the hallways, humming the popular children's tune 'Ashes to Ashes'.

The children crept out and snuck into the garden. The alluring colors and smells of the flowers took some worry away, but the children did not like the situation. They also didn't like the hedge maze which was huge and thorny. They also did not like the past of a dead-Hed-meant-rich-Coot. And probably dead Sewardelaires. So, they relaxed and played a bit, but the troubles came anyways. While Vizabeth smelled the roses, she thought that O. Lafo was staring at her. When Kueben was drawing plants, he thought on how O. Lafo was to succeed in taking the not-so-grand-fortune. And Simily thought of how she could run away while she ripped up some weeds in the grass. What they all didn't…or did, really, notice was the security cameras looking at them all the while, with a nasty, bad, mean man at the other end.

When lunch came the orphans sighed sadly as they would have to eat with Sir. Througue. As they sat down they were also dismayed by the sardine and broccoli casserole with a side of stewed plums. They were not very hungry at that moment. Simily also noticed that O. Lafo was crunching their passports to Luxemburg under the table. After and uncomfortable lunch, the siblings left without a word while O. Lafo snarfed down his headcheese cake.

Now, the children went to the library and sat on the couch, thinking hard. Vizabeth would whisper when O. Lafo passed by or entered the room. When O. Lafo came by, he saw Vizabeth pretending to read, Kueben to draw and Simily to scratch up the fine cashmere and leather chair. O. Lafo, however, was not fooled, and continued to ignore them. They continued to do this till nightfall when they heard Hed walk into the house. They walked down the hallway and entered the dining room.

"Hi cutiepies! Let's have dinner and talk about your wonderful day without me!" Screamed Hed at the table while food was being served by Througue, who was grinning like a cosmetic surgeon who fixed his mouth into a permanent smile.

"Well," Vizabeth said almost bravely as she picked at her ham, "we played tag together."

"Well," Kueben said almost courageous as he picked at his sandwich of PB&J, "we played Monopoly (O. Lafo trying to get at their money) Aggravation, (O. Lafo trying to get their money still) Trouble, (They're in trouble) and Hungry Hungry Hippos." (O. Lafo is quite hungry for money.)

"Ellingway," Simily said strongly, which in Pig Latin means 'Well', "O. Afolay asway atchingway yuay nday taringtay tay suay llay hetay imetay, nday antsway urouy ortunefay." Which is Pig Latin for "O. Lafo was watching us and staring at us all the time, and want our fortune."

"Well, I don't know what she said, the little snookums, but I could tell that you had so much fun!" Hed yelled.

The children actually looked like miserable sad children while O. Lafo smiled as he wrenched open a stressball shaped like Hed.

So Hed snarfed down his duck leg and O. Lafo ate his turtle and snail stew with a bologna and brussel sprout lobster pie, with a dessert of chocolate yogurt for all of them except O. Lafo, who had fish mince pie.

When dinner was over, the children said goodnight, and O. Lafo took his position outside their doors. However, the siblings did not expect the move O. Lafo would do that morning.

The children walked out to the kitchen next day, expecting for Hed to be there eating and talking of when they would leave for Luxembourg and O. Lafo to be following them while making origami figures of Hed with a red marker for blood. But the children saw no one, not even food on the table, and suddenly they had a terrible thought enter their brains and their gall bladders did turn blue.

"O. afolay idday omthingsay otay edHay!" Simily exclaimed, which in Pig Latin means 'O. Lafo did something to Hed!"

"Where could they be? This is terrible! There is no hope! Panic! Panic! AHHH!!" Kueben said aloud while rolling on the floor with wide frightened eyes.

"Oh, be quite. We're not getting anywhere with you bawling around!" Vizabeth said sternly.

"Kueben stood up and wiped the tears in his eyes.

"Now, where do we…"

"Ooklay!" Simily shrieked.

At that the Sewardelaires looked where Simily was pointing at.

The main window was broken, and they noticed the hedge maze was trussed up and looked like two people went through it. With that the children's minds clinked and their esophagus's gurgled.

The children climbed out of the window in to the sunlit garden.

"Look! A map of the maze! It seems to have been left here on purpose…" Kueben found and said.

And, within ten minutes the siblings found the end of the maze by running. I am unhappy to tell you that the children found the end, which is in the middle of the maze and I am happy to tell you that O. Lafo was there waiting for them, causing the children to look in horror at Sir Througue with Hed's body on the ground with a bloody dagger next to him. With that Througue took off the unibrow to show two eyebrows and his leather gloves to show a tattoo of a nose on his right hand, while he smiled at them like a maniac-escaped psychopatient.

"Hahaa! You silly children! I fooled you into thinking I was not Coot O. Lafo when I was! My disguise has paid off! Now I will keep you until I get your rich fortune, and then I will cause fear to live forever into your hearts! Bwahaahaa!" I see you are scared!"

The children rolled their eyes with a sigh and wiggled their ears while O. Lafo giggled.

"Now to call the police to process Mr. Hed, that now dead sissy man."

"He was not a sissy! Well, he was annoying, but not a sissy." Vizabeth stammered.

"And how do you explain the murder?" Kueben retorted.

"Well the police will believe that the garden gnome did it, for my dagger has no fingerprints and it is small enough for the blasted plaster head to stab him! But to stop you from leaving yet, I have a surprise for you."

The manor's cook came into view form behind a bowl of Petunias and marigolds. He looked exactly like the regular-handed man! With that he grabbed the siblings and took them to O. Lafo's room in the mansion, ironically a tower with a heavy wooden door. Throwing the scared but hungry children in the dark, dirty room with a shelf devoted to statues of noses and happy B-day cards. There was a small window with heavy bars that looked out to the driveway. The children fruitlessly banged on the wooden door with the locks on the inside. After awhile they sat on the floor, because it was a bit cleaner than the bed. (By the way, the floor was dirt and there was mold on the mattress. I also got word that originally it was a carpeted floor with a canopy water bed, but O. Lafo had that removed.)

"Well, what are we going to do?" Queeringly spoke Vizabeth.

"Eway ustmay onvincecay oachedPay hattay hrouguetay siay O. afolay." Simily glumly stated, which in Pig Latin means 'We must convince Mr. Poached that Througue is O. Lafo."

"Ahhh! Panic! Panic! There's nothing here! We're doomed! IYEEE!!" Kueben cried while he pounded his fists on the floor.

"Hoay hutsay puay!" Simily yelled, which is Pig Latin for 'Oh shut up!'

"Hey, Simily! You can use your nails to pick that lock while I break the thin lock chain with my Karate chop!"

So they set of to work on the locks while the police investigated the crime scene.

"Almost…there…now!" Vizabeth loudly murmured with the Kung-Pow! of the snapping chain. The children ran downstairs from their broken prison and landed in the dining room where O. Lafo was talking to Mr. Poached.

"Now now Sir Througue, please stop weeping uncontrollably with the onions you're rubbing into your eyes. You have to be strong when raising the children. My wife could also suggest delicious egg recipes with you."

With that O. Lafo stuffed the onions in his pocket and turned into his evil dastardly smiling self.

"Ah, well the children are upstairs weeping because of Hed's death by that vile little gnome." O. Lafo sneered.

"Well the police have evidence of the gnome killing Hed, and I believe gnomes can kill, and also I am wearing pink frilled socks." Poached declared.

"Well, if you could hurry up and give me the claim to sign…" O. Lafo started to say.

"Hold it Mr. Poached! Sir Througue is actually Coot O. Lafo, and he killed Mr. Hed!" Said a Mynah bird before it flew away.

O. Lafo smiled more cheerfully while he saw the Sewardelaires next to him.

"Why hello there Sewardelaires…" Mr. Poached said. "I am dreadfully sorry that your guardian was murdered by a vile bloodthirsty gnome. Now you have a nice new guardian that you are well acquainted with, and I like listening to country music."

"Mr. Poached, this is Coot O. Lafo! I've pulled off his gloves and you can plainly see his tattoo!" Kueben said as indeed the gloves were on the floor and a tattoo of a nose was indeed on his right hand.

"And he has two eyebrows, not one!" Vizabeth said as she pulled off the hair patch to show two eyebrows, not one.

The children beamed triumphantly as Mr. Poached surveyed O. Lafo.

"I am not Coot O. Lafo! This is permanent marker for, um, Halloween! Yah, that's it! I am dressing up as Coot O. Lafo!"

"See, children, he was dressing up for Halloween! This means he is not Coot O. Lafo." Mr. Poached said.

"Halloween in July?" Vizabeth stated.

"Wait, I have to take my brain pill." Poached said as he chewed a green pill. Soon after…"Great Scotts paper towels! It's Coot O. Lafo!"

With that O. Lafo jumped out the broken window with the cook behind him. As he ran, O. Lafo yelled "I'll get you my brats and your little fortune too!" The police officers just watched as O. Lafo ran into a police officer and jumped into his car.

"See Mr. Poached, he was Coot O. Lafo after all, and he killed Hed to gain us for our fortune. A garden gnome didn't murder Hed." Kueben sighed.

"Well, I don't know how he managed that plan, but if you'll come with me we will find you a new guardian as soon as possible, and I need a lobotomy." Poached murmured, indicating that the pill stopped working and Poached was his old self again.

With the glowing rays of the sun in the afternoon, the sad children hopped in to his with their few belongings and thought of a new hope in the end.

**Hetay Ndeay.**

(The End)

P. S: I did not allow Mr. B. Hed Ed to be decapitated because it would have been obvious, and obvious attracts O. Lafo and then that might figure out I might be richrichrich. O. Lafo might kidnap me….hold on…I think there is someone at the window with two eye brows and a tattoo of a nose on his hand…he seems to have some ropes and shackles…I wonder why…

_Typed and slightly edited from the original June 15th, 2009._

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**A/N: Sweet eh? **

**Thank you, if you have enjoyed this look back-to-the-past with my writing. :D**

**Shoys.  
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